Marital Discussions
by the beaver's panda
Summary: James Potter always got what he wanted. Always.


_Disclaimer: We own nothing but our incomprehensible humor. _

James Potter always gets what he wants. He got the position of Chaser on his second year in Hogwarts. He was named Quidditch Captain at his fifth year. He made Head Boy on his final year and got to share a tower with Lily Evans. He got her to go out with him. And eventually, he got her to marry him. Yes. James always got what he wanted.

"Why can't we just name him after me!"

"Our child will not be a medium for your ego!"

James and Lily Potter were having a discussion. Alright, who were they kidding? It wasn't a discussion. It was more of an argument. More than an argument. It was a war. A war in naming they're newly born baby boy.

"Think of it this way, you'll have two James Potters in your life." He urged.

"That's exactly it. One is enough." She replied in a calm anger. She was never going to allow their child to be named after James. Never. She was afraid that the arrogance may be passed on.

"Fine then. Be that way. See if I care." James turned away and faced the wall. Time hadn't had any effect on his maturity whatsoever.

"How about we just use your second name? Would that make you happy?" Lily compromised. She couldn't stand his excellent display of childish behavior.

"I MOST DEFINITELY WILL NOT NAME MY SON, THE HEIR TO THE POTTER GLORY AND PRESTIGE, CARATICOUS! NEVER!"

"You're second name is Caraticous?" she tried to suppress a laugh. Tried. Meaning she failed. It was hard to keep your composure when you find out that your husband was named Caraticous. It was too hilarious to pass up.

"It's from ancient text okay! It's not that funny! Stop laughing! You're shaking it… I mean… the baby! As your husband I demand you to cease this instant!"

"Like that is going to stop me from laughing. Your second name is Caraticous for God's sake!" She continued her fit of laughter.

James now needed to change the topic before the whole floor found his dirty little secret out. _So much for marital trust. _"How about BUTCH!"

"BUTCH! I WILL NOT NAME MY CHILD AFTER A SLAUGHTERER OF SWINE!"

"But Butch is such a manly name. Butch Potter. Now that just screams masculinity and power doesn't it little man." He bent down to pick up his son from his mother. "You want to be named Butch don't you…don't you…you manly little cutie you…tell mommy that you want to be named Butch…come on Butch…tell Mommy…." He baby-talked his little son.

"Stop calling him Butch! He will not be named Butch! Never. I refuse!" Lily took the baby from him. "Never." She hissed.

"Let's see you do better!" he challenged.

"Clarence. Clarence is a very noble name that means…" Lily never got to finish her sentence because James exploded like one of those miniature volcanoes you take to the science fair. It was not a pretty sight.

"CLARENCE! DO YOU WANT OUR SON TO DIE A HORRIBLE HORRIBLE DEATH IN THE HANDS OF BULLIES! I WOULD NEVER BE ABLE TO LIVE DOWN THE SHAME!"

"What is the matter with the name 'Clarence'?"

"WHAT ISN'T WRONG WITH THE NAME **CLARENCE**! YOU MIGHT AS WELL NAME HIM CLARABELLE!"

"Sheesh! It was just a suggestion! We won't name him Clarence!"

"Thank you!" he calmed down. "Now back to the name Butch…"

"Give it up Potter."

"Any other ideas?" he scratched his head. Somehow, he knew that he would regret asking that.

"How about Lysander, like the character from William Shakespeare's A Midsummer's Nights Dream? That sounds like a fine name. Strong and righteous." She mused, missing the look of bewilderment in her husband's face.

"And it is also a POOF's name!"

"Lysander is not a poof's name James Caraticous Potter!" Lily replied completely offended.

"Oh yes it is! You're naming the child Lysa! What could be more poofy than LYSA!"

"We're not naming him Lysa! We're naming him Lysander! Totally different names!"

"Let us for one moment hypothesize that we did name our child Lysander." He said the name with foreboding. "What would he nickname him? LYSA! Or would you rather AN! Or DERDER! Does that sound like a reasonable name to you!"

"We could nickname him Sander. Or Sandy."

"Both implying that he is a speck of brown thing that is found in a beach! Things that people step on! Or worse! Things that dogs, like Sirius Black, POOP on! My child will not be stepped on nor pooped on! He will be a respected member of not only the wizarding community but also the whole community… AS A WHOLE!" he stressed his point and once again began to pick up the baby. "Which is why I would like to go back to the notion of naming him after me, James." He swung his baby in the air. "James. James. James. James. Little James Potter. The house elves can get to call him Master Jamie. He will be Master Jamie of the Noble House of Potter, Heir to Potter Manor and all around good guy." He cooed to the baby.

"Are you deranged? We are still not naming him James. End of discussion." She, once again, burst her husband's little bubble of joy. There will not be any rainbows and butterflies for James Potter today, not as long as he wanted to name his son after himself. "How about Marcus? That's a manly name."

"Another –us?"

"What?" what had her husband been smoking?

"Another –us! You know. CaraticoUS. SiriUS. RemUS. I have enough USes in my life. I don't need another one." He said as he punctuated every sentence by tickling the tip of his little son's nose.

"Scary as it may be, I am getting your reasoning." She shuddered.

"Ooh! I know!" he squeed like a little school girl who just saw a little bunny pass by. "We can just name him after…." He paused for effect. "SIRIUS!"

"HELL NO!"

"Lily! Do not curse in front of the child!" he covered the baby's little ears with his two fingers.

"I AM NOT NAMING MY CHILD AFTER THAT PERVERT!"

"He is not a pervert…" he paused in thought. "Well, maybe he is. But be that as it may he is still my best friend. And it would be an honor to name my little bundle of joy after him." He blew raspberries on the baby's stomach. "And who knows! He may turn just like Sirius! We're gonna have lots of fun aren't we little Sirius!" James Eskimo-kissed his son.

"HELL NO!" Lily repeated. "THERE IS NO WAY IN HELL!" she screamed trying to get the baby from James.

"Lily! What did I say about cursing in front of the child?" shielding the baby's ears once again. He turned his back on her so that she would not be able to take possession of the child. "Besides, we're naming Sirius godfather anyways"

"WHAT!" Lily sputtered. This was not happening!

"We're naming Sirius godfather. We talked about this Lily. Don't you remember? Last night, I said 'Hey Lilybug, Sirius is going to be the godfather right?' and then you said 'Yeah James sure.' Then you went to sleep." He tried to refresh her memory.

"Well of course I agreed! I was half asleep when you told me that James!" she removed the baby from James' arms and placed it in hers.

"Come on Lily. Please. Sirius'll be a great godfather I promise!" he pouted his lip and did his own version of the Padfoot pout.

Lily watched her husband do as a sad rendition of the Padfoot pout. "Don't fool yourself James."

"Come on. Little Sirius would never want for a better Godfather. Padfoot and I would be the most amazing pair of male role models for our child! Pretty please!"

"No James. I heard that Sirius is already planning to give him a sip of bourbon on his 7th birthday. What kind of a male role model is that!" she said in full protest.

"I trust Sirius with my life Lily. He would be a good godfather for our son." James told Lily in sudden sincerity. Lily could tell that he had no doubt about that whatsoever. She caved.

"Fine. But we are not naming him Sirius. If you are so bent on naming him after one of your friends, then why not name him Remus." She suddenly perked up. Yes. Remus was a sensible name and the previous owner was as sensible as they came. She would have no objections to have her son grow up like Remus.

"And have him grow up to be a nerd? I think not." James nodded his head for emphasis.

"Don't you dare call one of your best friends a nerd."

"Well he is a nerd Lily. There is no use denying that. And think about it Lily, he is already going to inherit my poor eyesight. Do you really want to complete the nerd package and name him Remus?"

Suddenly, Lily had an unwanted flashback about the time when she was eight and had gotten her braces. If genetics had it right, her son would inherit her teeth too. Braces. Glasses. Remus. That would definitely be the complete nerd package.

"I think you may be right. We won't name him Remus." She muttered. Damn it. He just had to be right about that one.

"What was that Lily? I don't think we hear you…" he said, exploiting the fact that Lily had just recanted her firm statement.

"I said that we won't name him Remus."

"No, the part before that." He smirked. James Potter was evil.

"You were right." She murmured almost inaudibly.

"Come again?"

"What are you deaf? You were right. Happy?" she stuck her tongue out.

"Immensely." He smiled triumphantly. "Now son…that was your mother finally admitting that she was wrong and I was right. Your birth has brought all sorts of miracles hasn't it? Yes it has! My little tike has brought all sorts of miracles….whoggie whoggie whoggie! Cute little ball of fat…cute cute cute!"

"You didn't just call our son a little ball of fat?" she said in total shock.

"What am I supposed to call him? He doesn't have a name. I am running out of terms of endearment here. We better think fast." He looked worried. Who knows what ridiculous pet name might come out of his mouth next.

"Ok, how about we name him after someone in our family. I have a cousin named Melvin."

"No. No son of mine will ever be cursed with such a disgusting name as Melvin. OOOH! My grandfather is named Aurelious."

"Our son has enough embarrassment having you as a father. He does not need to be named Aurelious to complete his shame."

"Hey Poppo was a fine grandfather and his name implies someone of golden proportions, but unlike you, I am willing to for go my suggestion. On to the next name then."

"I think it is time we break out the baby book." She said worriedly. Their creativity was feigning in haste.

"Let's bring out the big guns then shall we." He brought out a big pink and blue book with golden inscriptions that read 'The POTTER Baby Book'.

"What is this? Where is the cute pocket sized one that we bought?"

"This is so much better than that. This is the POTTER baby book! It has been used for centuries in naming the Potter children. Momma owled it to me last night when you were in labor."

"Your mother owled us your family baby book while I was spending thirteen agonizing hours in bringing your child into this world?" she didn't know whether to rip his head off for not being there during the actual birth or to send a polite thank you card to his mother. Maybe she'd do both.

"Oh enough dawdling. Let us name out precious chubby cherub shall we." Chubby Cherub. By thunder! It was getting worse.

Lily hurriedly opened the book at a random page and scanned its contents. "Abner."

"First you want Melvin, now Abner! Dear God Lily? What is the matter with you?" James poked Lily repeatedly.

"Stop poking me!"

"Then look for a better name." Poke.

"Fine fine fine!" Lily scanned the following pages. Her finger was tracing down the numerous names written. "Dolton."

"You're going to name our child DOLT!" James threw one of his hands in the air.

"You're right. I have one dolt in my life. I don't need two." She snickered.

"Here. Take. Baby." He handed over the baby. "I'll handle the names." He licked his finger and flipped through the ridiculously enormous book.

"Shmshmshmshmshmshm…" James muttered incoherently until… "AHA! BOB!"

"Bob Potter?" Lily eyed him conspicuously.

"Bob Potter!" he exclaimed in pure bliss.

"Bob Potter?"

"BOB Potter!"

"Bob… Potter?"

"BOB POTTER!"

"No."

"Yes!"

"NO!"

"YES!"

"We are not giving our child a name with only three letters." Lily said simply dismissing the idea of their child being christened 'Bob Potter'.

"Why not! He'd grow up to be a great man! He'd be a builder! BOB THE BUILDER!"

"He'd sound like a construction worker James!"

"So? What's wrong with sounding like a construction worker? They're manly men!"

"James! They have their butt cracks exposed for the world to see!"

"Just like Sirius!"

"Yet another reason why we should not name our son BOB!"

"Fine." He once again caved and flipped through the pages of the baby book. "How about... CHRYSTANTHEMUM! We can call him CHRYS!"

"James, that is a girl's name."

"Let's pretend I didn't suggest that." He hid his apparent embarrassment by burying himself in the book again.

"Suggest what?"

"I knew I married you for a reason." James gave Lily a quick peck on the nose before proceeding to his next suggestion. "How's about…" he paused for dramatic effect. "COLE!"

"You want to name our child after something you throw in the fire?" Lily quirked her eyebrow.

"Point."

"Jacob?"

"No."

"Albuquerque! We can call him Alby!"

"No. And James that's where the book was published."

"Ah. How about O' Mally!" he exclaimed in a fake Irish accent.

"James that's author's last name."

"Right. Joe?"

"What did I say about three letters?"

James laughed nervously burying himself in the dusty pages of the ancient book. "Boyd?"

"No."

"Billy?"

"No."

"Dexter?"

"Like Poindexter! James what is wrong with you!"

"Fine. Alejandrino!" he shook a pair of imaginary maracas.

"…"

"It sounds exotic. No? Alright then."

"Let switch. Baby for book?"

"Deal." He gladly gave the book to his wife and carried his little son, otherwise known as the chubby little ball of fat.

"And don't you dare call him your little ball of fat." Lily warned taking the book from him.

"I wasn't going to!" he said defensively.

"I know what you're thinking."

"Oh quit stalling and look for a name." he swayed left to right. "No no! Wait! I think I got something! FABIO! Like fabuloso! Our child will be fabulous!"

Lily chose not to gratify that statement with an answer. "What do you think of Cameron?"

"Poofy."

"Chase?"

"Isn't that a verb?"

"Guido?"

"I thought you didn't like exotic?"

"It's not exotic. It's Italian."

"Same difference." He dismissed the poof-y, Italian-y, exotic-y name. "You know what'll solve our problems? Let's just name him JAMES!" he extended his arms so that the baby's nose would make contact with Lily's.

"Don't think that just because you're the father of my child that I'm not going to hurt you later." Lily threatened.

"Fine. It was just a suggestion." He proceeded with playing with the baby again. "This is getting monotonous. Give me the book." He snapped his fingers at Lily.

Lily swapped the book with the baby for umpteenth time. "What do you plan on doing?"

"I'm naming our baby." He flipped through the book and stopped at a random page. He closed his eyes and twirled his finger around the page.

"You can't just name our baby like that! James stop that! Stop that this instance! It's simply not do-". Before she could finish her sentence, James had yelled out triumphantly on what he thought was 'the name'.

"HARRY!"

"You can't just--- Wait. I actually like that." She smiled.

"You don't have to stoop down to mockery Lily. It doesn't befit you. If you don't like it, just say it."

"No James. I actually like it." She put her hand on James' shoulder.

"No quirky little reason why you don't like the name?"

"No." she shook her head.

"Harry it is then! I shall now fill out the birth certificate!" he raised a scholarly finger.

"No James. You can play with Harry. I'll do it."

"No!" he said a little too quickly. "You were in labor for thirteen agonizing hours. You just gave brought our little bundle of joy to the world. You deserve rest." He gently sat Lily down and gave her a little pat on the head. "I'll handle the paperwork." He snatched the birth certificate and ran off to the Healer's station.

---

"Sir, have you finished filling out the birth certificate?" the Healer asked.

"I just have to put in the chubby little cherub's name. Do you have a quill?" he asked pleasantly. Too pleasantly. "Thank you." He snatched the quill from the Healer's grasp.

He scooted over to the very end of the station and covered the piece of paper with his hand so that no one could see its contents.

"Harry." He mumbled as he wrote. He raised his head and looked at his surroundings.

The coast was clear.

"James. Potter." He held the parchment at arms length and surveyed his masterpiece. "Harry James Potter. Yes. Excellent. Oh Healer I'm ready to file it now." He gave the Healer the certificate and euphorically trudged his way back to Lily's side.

Yes. James Potter always got what he wanted.

---

One week later, the Potters received an owl containing a copy of little baby Harry's birth certificate. Unfortunately, Lily was the one who opened it.

"JAMES!"

"Yes my Lilybug!" James entered the dining area with baby Harry in his arms.

"What the hell is this!" Lily forced the piece of parchment on his face.

"Language Lily!" he covered little Harry's ears. "And that is a birth certificate. Duh."

"I know that. But what is written in it! Read it!"

"Department of Medical Services. Birth Certificate." He read.

"NO! Read what is written in the part where it says NAME!"

"Silly Lily. You can't even read our child's name. It says Harry." He smiled innocently.

"And after that…" she urged him to read further.

"Potter." He said a little slower.

"Before that."

"James?" he took a few steps back. "Please don't hurt me. I'm holding our child." He used the gurgling Harry as a shield.

With the coming of Baby Harry, the Potter household would never be the same again.

_A/N: Now wasn't that fun! Please review! Thanks!  
_

_ Beaver and Panda _


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